I remember a time when I was sporting a short hair with full bangs and I volunteered to go to an orphanage to teach kids how to read. There’s this cute little girl who came up to me and said “You’re so pretty!!!” And I was so glad to receive such complement ‘coz I know that kids don’t lie… Until she followed it with “You look like Dora!” then my whole confidence vanished into thin air. Must love kids!
I think it is quite dumb of me to write about love. How dare me to write about love…love is difficult to fathom, love defies all intellectual capacity, love is….
I remember when I was in junior high, my teacher asked our class a question: who will you choose to marry, a faithful and kind man or someone who’s unfaithful yet good-looking? At the back of mind, I’m thinking I should choose the later ‘coz it’ll be good for the “genes”. But I chose the first one not just for better grades but in all logic I know it’s the right thing to do… I was only fourteen then, I should know well right?
After I broke up with my ex, a man who insisted on giving me an insight about my fate through palm reading (yep! palm reading!), told me that in a year I’ll meet the man I’m going to marry. (I’ve moved on quickly after hearing that! it got me so excited! I’m weaving the 4th chapter of my very own love story!). I would have given him a 1-year supply of reading glasses, should he told me I’m pretty (not through my palms of course!).
Then a moment came and I met this guy and I asked God “is he the one?” the guy smiled at me. And so he got me anticipating about day-long conversations, weekend dates and countless dinners. But he never asked me out on a date. Poor me. Then a couple of days later, I prayed “your will be done, but at least show me a sign!”. And out of the blue, I saw him again. And I said God “are you playing tricks on me?” ‘Coz if he is the one, he should at least show some interest in me. I don’t want to be overly assuming ‘coz I know very well that I’m not particularly pretty.
On one of my trips to a Buddhist country, my friends and I paid respect to a sunrise Buddha… my generous friend asked: “bigyan nyo po si Shella ng gwapong boyfriend”. To which I added: “yung mabait at matalino”, and then followed by another thoughtful friend: “at mayaman”. (This is one of the proofs that I have golden friends. they only want the best for me). The following day we went back to the same temple to catch the sunrise. At sunrise we met this guy who is exactly what we asked for. Gwapo, mabait, matalino at mayaman. To which my generous friend gasps “ang bilis naman sumagot ni Buddha! Burger lang ang hiniling natin, Buffet ang binigay!” Thus we called him Buffet. You’ll envy me if I told you that up until now, I still talk to Buffet… I think he is so perfect that having him makes me feel like I don’t deserve such a precious gift.
Then there is this friend of mine, intelligent and charming, who seems to know a lot about life. talking to him makes me feel so grateful of the life I live. he inspires me in a way that if I were to choose the man that I am to spend the rest of my breathing life with, he would have to be like him. a christian, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, devoted husband and good father.
So I think that’s the trick, you have to be specific but very careful with what you ask for. You may receive exactly what you want but not what you need. Or he will give you what you need but not exactly what you want. But the choice is yours on whether to accept it or just let it pass you by.
Now, let me re-wire my thoughts here and list out what I think I need that matches what I want. I need a faithful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and devoted partner. And he has to be single. I mean I know how it feels when a promiscuous girl steals the love of your life, so I am not going to be that bitchy. He doesn’t have to be drop-dead-gorgeous-oozing-with-sex-appeal-and-good-genes, ‘coz if he is, then he’ll be more than what I asked for. And when I wake up in the morning and saw him lying next to me I’d exclaim “Oh dear God! What did I do to deserve all this?”
There would come a time in your life where fate will leave you with no choice but to move on because either staying or walking away would hurt the same. And it doesn’t help how at a very young age we were told that in all those fairy tale stories, both the prince and the princess fought for their love and they lived happily ever after. Because this time, “us” is no longer composed of “you and I”; this time, fairy tales are just made-up stories; this time, there’s no happy ending.
We’ve been together for five years and although the final year has been rough for us I still can’t believe how a brutal reality ruined our supposedly beautiful fairy-tale. At best, the story of “us” fit the sado-masochist kind. At the deepest and darkest region of my brain I knew from back then that our love story would have a sad ending, but I thought that our ending would entail the “until death do us part” and not with “until too much hurt break us apart”.
All the pain that I have to go through, the entire ego that I have to chew, I began to question my faith and ask myself multitude times if my rainbow is worth all the rain. Where the least that he could have done is to be honest with me, instead he filled me with his stupid lies. Where the best I could have done for myself is to walk-away, the moron in me chose to believe in him and stay. I was too afraid to lose him, I was too afraid to be left alone, I was too afraid to accept the fact that our relationship can’t be saved, and more than that, I was too afraid to lose the very person I have loved the most.
There was a time where I’ve already set my heart and mind on letting him go just because he’s no longer happy being with me. But he played on me. It didn’t add up when he keep asking me to stay, but say otherwise to our friends. It didn’t add up when he keep telling me how important I am to him, but keep hurting my feelings. It didn’t add up when he keep saying I’m the one he’s with right now, but couldn’t leave her. Why waste five years with me if it was her all along? Why did he ask me to marry him if it was her that he wants? Why did he play with my feelings? All those emotional torture at a point had me wishing for death to come.
It took a humongous amount of courage for me to accept everything and make that painful decision to remove myself from the equation. A part of me had died the day I moved out, the day I told myself it’s over and I convinced myself I’d never look back to “us”. I realized that I can’t force myself in a situation that would not only break my morals but my soul as well. So here I am with my morals and my soul, fixing a broken me where the best that I could do is just breath.
I hated him, and I hated her more. I hated him for doing everything he had done. For causing me so much pain. I hated him for making me hate him so much. I hated her for not respecting a relationship. I hated her because her stupidity is a pain. Everything they’ve done had me to believe that I have earned all the rights to be mean. I used to have this urge to go to the legal and had him deported back to our country. Part of me wanted to see them suffer. They say forgiveness is greater than revenge, but it’s hard to forgive when anger could almost consume your sanity. In my mind, all sorts of profanity would equate to his and her name. I thought it would be unfair if their fairy tale story would end up with “and they live happily…” not because they don’t deserve it but because there’s no moral lesson in that but an innuendo that it’s okay to cheat and to steal someone else’s boyfriend.
But at the lowest point of my life where I thought I’ve lost the purpose to live, I found greater faith. It took the mother of all misery for me to find myself back again. Blessings came pouring in, I gained new friends, and I was surrounded with positive people who fear God. I felt His mercy in the midst of my misery, and in His grace I felt a soft form of healing. In that healing I found forgiveness and in forgiveness I found peace…
I can’t say that I’ve totally forgiven everything that they’ve done. The pain is so deep, sometimes at night I still find myself crying out to Jesus to ease my hurting and teach me how to let go. I could list out a hundred reasons to be grumpy and there’s only a single way to find ten-fold of happiness. It’s through faith.
What happens happens. I could never change the past but I could move forward and learn. I won’t ponder on revenge instead I’ll leave it all to karma. I admit that I’m still hurting, the wounds are still fresh and I’m not even sure when or if it will ever heal. I could still taste the bitterness of broken promises, but I’m trying to hold on to my faith. I could cry out every night, but with faith I know I’d wake up with the sun brightly shinning behind my purple sky. I know God has laid His best plan for me, that all this happened to prepare me for the best to come. This time, I know for sure, that rainbow will be worth all the rain…