a photo diary of my Fall season travel to Arizona and Nevada
Life is not always fun, not always happy, and not always beautiful. I remember moments of being overwhelmed by the workload I have, and moments of being worried that I might become redundant when things slow down at the office. I remember being so utterly in love with someone that my heart feels like it is just about to explode, and I remember times when I am just so numb and cold.
But guess what? I found out that kindness is the key to everything. When you’re sad, lonely and depressed; show a little bit of kindness to someone and it will surely brighten your day.
There’s a small coffee shop right next to the building where I work at. Every morning before heading to work, I would drop by that coffee shop to buy myself a hot chocolate and a breakfast sandwich. I would also buy gift cards to give away to homeless people. (Yes, I do prefer giving away gift cards than cash).
One fine Wednesday morning; while on the way to that coffee shop, I was scrambling through my bag for change to buy me my morning fix, I thought about being more frugal as the economy is getting worse. As I was about to enter the coffee shop, I gave way and open the door to the woman about to exit. On her way out she said thanks and handed me a gift card similar to what I’d usually buy and told me “have a happy Wednesday”. That gesture made me feel grateful for everything. That little act of kindness was another epiphany that God will never ever forsake me. I felt truly blessed crossing path with a kind person.
So whenever you feel down or worried, go out and give or show a little kindness. When you feel happy, share your happiness by being kind towards someone. Life may not always be fun, not always happy, and not always beautiful; but it is also not always difficult, not always sad and not always ugly.
Few weeks back, she asked one of her friends why her friend would never get back with her husband since they have a kid. “Why won’t you settle back together for the sake of your child?” she asked. “It’s traumatic” was all her friend said. And she understood her. Been there, done that. Her friend said; if it was her, she would probably have stayed because she’s “too nice and churchy”.
A couple of years ago, her relationship of over five years had ended over cheating. At that time she thought that maybe her decision to leave him would change if their relationship was bonded by the sacred matrimony. She thought that maybe she could forgive all the physical and emotional abuse. But now she realized that they would probably have the same bitter ending, because she could and would never trust him again. Even if she forgives him for all the abuse, there will always be an elephant in the room, a shadow of polygamy and fears following her until all her doubts lead them to divorce.
He never asked her for forgiveness, and her guess fate ensure their paths never cross.
She told her dear friend how what happened has changed her. She is no longer the nice person trying to play the role of a Messiah in every relationship. She no longer ignores all the red flags of a villain pretending to be a prince charming. She no longer settles for anything that is less than what she deserves.
The one who broke her heart will be monster in her story. But until she figured not everyone is bound to hurt her, the monster in her story is called doubt.
“…sometimes Love brings you flowers, then it builds you coffins, and far too often we fall to our demise.”
5 AM, I was at the parking lot praying as I start my brand new car. The built-in GPS said it would only take me 20 mins to reach my destination. I knew it’s too early, but it was my first time to drive alone and I was driving my first car. I was not too confident about myself driving so I gave myself an extra hour as factor of ignorance. 15 mins later, I was at a remote construction site; lost. I called my most reliable friend who apparently doesn’t take calls at ungodly hour. I braced myself and continued driving relying on my GPS and my unbelievably poor sense of direction.
I arrived at my destination 2 hours after an involuntary scenic tour around the city; stress plastered all over my face…
Two years forward, my cars’ mileage is over 30,000km. The stress I felt during those times was not entirely a big deal. I braved my way to cross-country driving, even up to the most remote part of the northern Canada.
11 PM; under the bridge; my boyfriend and I were sitting at the back of his car. The thoughts of me stressed out on driving flashed back as I try to break up with him. I realized that just like my first time driving; given the time; everything will eventually be okay. My feelings at this moment would no longer be valid. In two years or so, I will again look back to now and smile at how better I’ve become as a person. With the hard-learned lessons tucked underneath my bruised heart, I move-on in time…
“If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that’s the only way for you to be with me..”
Vincent van Gogh once said that “there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people”. I believe him.
I remember the last time we talked about us. Why letting you go is the most logical decision to make. You know that I love you so much that I’m willing to break every part that remains in me just to ease your burden and make you happy. It may not be fair, but we both know it is right.
“…We’d be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see..”
Maybe in a different place and time our hearts would meet again; at a place where everything seems at peace, and at a time when everything lines perfectly together. Where all we could think about is just you and me; when all that matters is us.
An abstract painting where all the emotions we’re hardly able to contain were spilled. An impressionism seething with life; a magical depiction of what could be our love.
“…And I’m dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face
And I think my brush would take me there
To the place I first met your gaze I’ll leave my broken heart. I’ll cherish the happy thoughts and leave all the heartaches behind. I’ll move on, I will never look back, and I promise I’ll be vigilant with this decision.
“…If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I’d climb inside the swirling skies to be with you.”
I noticed that every time I would tell my boss that I’ll be out of the country over a particular weekend, he would put me on a 60hr workweek as though I’m about to resign from work. At the current state of the Oil and Gas economy, I could never complain about my workload. I’m a proton. To me, it’s just a matter of learning to bend and try not to absorb all the stress. Try to find a work-life balance. As the saying goes “work hard, play harder”, so here’s a picture summary of my stress relievers:
It’s spring again! Yey! Hello sun! 😍😍😍
I made my annual trip to the Philippines last April (through May). Went back to Canada, worked for a week, and flew to US for a week-long roaming. Jetlag is for amateurs! Here’s a photo diary of my most recent travels:
guitar man, playing sweetly with his soft fingertips;
this adamant girl, you managed to sweep her off her feet.
two glasses of wine, then she was brave enough to open her door,
long conversations ’til she tore down her much guarded wall.
guitar man, please never play and fool around;
never let her tear create a puddle on the ground.
promise her that you’ll never go astray,
even when all pretty girls lined up and come your way.
guitar man, she now holds you close to her dear heart;
With so much joy and happiness – sorrows go and depart;
She deeply prays you’ll be together and would never be apart;
To have and to hold, the vow to keep and your lives as one would start.
“so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.”
I planted some tulips late last summer so that I have something to look forward to, come spring.
Last year was crazy busy. I expanded my comfort zone and tired myself to death. I didn’t die though. I became happier.
The past experiences had taught me to look after myself and love myself more. I became more independent. I learned to find happiness from within myself, but it doesn’t mean that I am cold. I just realized that I don’t need any drama in my life. Sure I could lend an ear and offer advice to those in pain, but it doesn’t mean that I have to absorb them. I learned to be more patient and understanding. That the more you give, the more you receive.
Travelling became addictive, I’m always itching to go out and explore nature.
I fixed my room, re-painted it and did all the interiors.
I fed the artist in me; I drew, painted, created wall-arts, and handed them to my excited friends.
I did yoga, and yes meditating truly helps. It clears your mind and cleanses your soul.
I made goals and tried to fulfill each one of them.
I fell in and out of love without the whole world knowing.
And I planted my favorite flowers.
You hate me. You have every right to hate me.You will tell stories about me as though I’m a monster. You wish our paths will never cross. You wish you never knew me. I am a memory you never want to remember.
But I want to tell you something, something I might not be able to say straight to your innocent face. I love you. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I never meant to ruin your faith. And I never meant to stood you up.
I regret everything I did. I regret the choices I made because I was afraid. I was afraid not of being in a relationship, but I was afraid of wasting my time. I don’t know the consequences of my choices, but I know I have to live up to it. I must suffer for bringing you pain. Pain that you don’t deserve. Pain because I was selfish.
I love you, and you were everything I’ve prayed for. I’m sorry.